4am… Can’t sleep

Tags

body image, insecure, insecurities, pregnant, self image, sleepless, weight issues

Hello all!

I can’t seem to get any sleep lately, mainly because I have a tiny person knocking inside me, but also because I think I’ve fallen victim of my self esteem again. 

Not so long ago, I had body image issues. I saw the girls at my school (middle school) and how popular they were because they were skinny and beautiful. And me, well, I was flat chested without a butt. I only had three friends who, don’t get me wrong, but the best friends I had growing up. But somehow, I wanted more. 

I did everything I could to fit in. I changed my look, I worked out so I could have a bigger butt and more boobs. I also ate a lot of dairy and pastries because I always heard they went straight to your thighs. 

I guess I’m paying for those now. Now that I don’t work out as much anymore, I have thunder thighs, big breasts that used to look perky but now just full of breastmilk to be produced in a few months, and my butt… well now they’re too big with stretch marks.

My husband tries to motivate me by getting me to workout with him. But of course, I can’t help but think how he sees all these other women that are so not my size. They’re taller, skinnier, prettier… Or so I think. I was once a pretty hot young thing… But then I got pregnant. 

I actually love my baby bump… I just don’t love the rest of the bumps that come along with it. My mom keeps telling me that me at 5 months was her at 8 months with all 4 pregnancies. I don’t ever say anything back but it does definitely affect me. She’s always one to say I was fat. 

Before I got pregnant, I was 128 pounds at 5″2. I had the curves of a sexy lady. My husband and all my friends thought so. But my mom always teased me just because I wasn’t built like her. Well no duh, she grew up in a third world country. She was mostly deprived of food and she walked everywhere she went. And even when she wasn’t walking, she was burning off any fat she had in her body just by living near the equator. 

I do mainly blame my mom for my self image issues. She’s a great mom, she just doesn’t have the best opinions. I obviously realize that and will do everything I can to not put my children down. 

I know this is now an issue I have to deal with on my own. I have to build my self esteem. No one else can do it for me. I have to see myself the way I want to see me. I can’t depend on what others have to say. If I believe it, I can project it, THEN people will see it. 

Right?

Thanks for reading!

‘Till next time,

Mommarch

New to this…

Tags

career, education, Mom-to-be, New mom, postpone, pregnancy, pregnant, surprise, surprises

Hello.

First off, let me introduce myself. I’m mommarch, like monarch, but a mommy. Actually, first time mommy. I am currently 5 months pregnant and needed something to spend time on that doesn’t require dodging cigarette smokes, crazy partying people, and just the normal every day things that a pregnant lady shouldn’t be around.

I am happily married since 2011 to a wonderful and supportive husband. Not trying to brag but I think I got lucky with this one 🙂 He’s been a friend since we were young and one day we found out we were actually a very good match for each other; went on a date and fell in love right away.

We have this upcoming baby, and well, I’ve learned that a lot can happen in just five months. I am currently making a pile of decisions about my next moves: how much time-off am I taking from work, am I going to be able to afford childcare, what am I going to do about school?

Yes, school. I just got accepted to a university and got a grant and I’ve even been considered for a scholarship! None of which, by the way, that I applied for (besides the school of course, and I applied way before I even knew I was going to have a baby this year). And the other thing, fall classes begin the same time baby arrives.

Oh, the agony of giving up my career and education. But, they say, having a baby is definitely a blessing. Don’t get me wrong, I’ve loved this little one since the day I had the feeling I should take a pregnancy test. The only thing is, my husband and I were not planning this lifestyle so soon.

But then again, whose plans ever really go AS planned? Right? Some lucky ones I’m sure. But it’s those tiny little surprises that bring the most into our futures. This is the path that was given to me.

And what I keep telling myself is that, I landed my dream job out of the blue. Literally, out of the blue. I took a chance one day and left a job I was miserable in and drove to this office I used to intern for about 7 years ago and met with the CEO and the manager, left them my resume, and next thing you know it, I got a phone call from them asking when I would like to start. I never thought I could actually work there permanently. Ending that internship years ago was a heartbreaking moment because I really fell in love with the field and every one else that I worked with. And now, it’s mine… PERMANENTLY. What am I going to do if I can’t afford childcare and would have to be a stay-at-home mom and leave my dream job? Is being a stay-at-home mom really that bad? Maybe this is the path I’m supposed to be on. If I could land this job once, I could land it again. Right?

And the same goes for the school. I can take a year off. If I can land an acceptance at my dream school with a grant to cover my fees and possibly a scholarship as well, I can get it again, right?

Or am I simply passing up a chance now?

See why I need this blog? I hope you guys can stick around to see what happens in the next few months, or even in the next few years.

These are just some of the simple questions I have that come with being a mom at 26.

When you thought you’ve got it all figured out, think again.

‘Till next time,
Mommarch